Writer: Johnny Baguette
Date:Monday January 4 2010
As the build up to Wednesday's eagerly anticipated Manchester League Cup Semi-final clash continues, Eric Whiteside of United We Issue meets us from behind the visitors screen...
1. Everyone connected with Manchester City go into our first cup semi final in decades still seething at the manner of last September's league defeat to united in time added on to time added on. Quintessentially, we need no further motivation. What's the mood in Stretford following united's humiliating FA Cup exit against third tier Leeds?
In a word, DEFIANT. We'll never die and we'll keep the red flag flying high. I can only agree with Sir Alex that the 5 minutes of injury time was a disgrace and an insult to the paying public, nevermind the players. It was clear to ANYONE WHO KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT FOOTBALL that the longer the game went on, the more certain it was that class would tell and we would score. There would only be one winner after that. Anyway, Leeds are almost in the Championship.'
2. A large number of united fans called for your manager's head following the abject surrender to Leeds. Agree or disagree?
'I know that many reds called for Jose Mourinho to take charge immediately, but I can assure all reds out there that the time is soon coming when Mourinho who is desperate to continue the Theatre of Dreams legendary legacy will pick up the flaming torch of success. ANYONE WHO KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT FOOTBALL knows that.
'The myth that we were all calling for Fergie's head in 1989 has been dismissed time and time again by the greatest manager in the world as we have won 35 trophies for every one of the years you small time charlies haven't. The great man has said time and time again that he will one day stand down, and we all know that there is only one job in the world that The Special One would take now and it's with our ONE BIG FAMILY(copyright Ian Brown). One of the Japanese I was with at the fence at Carrington yesterday knows a bloke who is on first name terms with Tony Coton and he says Fergie plans to go out in Carling Cup glory this year and will personally hand over to Mourinho before the derby in April. Shove your Mancini up your jealous arses.
3. Any idea why MUTV shelved it's normal tripe schedules and ran a Mark Hughes dedicated day the day after City's hierarchy sacked him?
'You could always see it in Sparky's eyes that he hated being at Citeh. He was one of us and you could never understand that. It takes that special bond that I see every day at the megastore and in the eyes of the lads I pick up at Ringway on match days to be able to see that glorious magic. ANYONE WHO KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT FOOTBALL knows that Agent Sparky made the biggest mistake of his career when he answered the bent Thai's call and he was waiting for his big pay off from you bitter massives.'
4. Understanding reds. There's always been an undeniably special, if not extraordinary arrogance about united supporters. Can you define it in a nutcase-shell?
'Arrogance? Try GREATNESS. Try WINNING MENTALITY. Dream of GLORY. Tell that to your arab paymasters. When they get bored and leave it will be NORMAL SERVICE RESUMED.'
5. Djemba-Djemba, Louis Saha, Dimitar Berbaflop, Juan Sebastian Veron and Massimo Taibi to name but a few. Can we now add The English Patient, Michael 'Tiny Tim' Owen to that list of united greats?
'Cometh the hour, cometh the man as you learned to your cost. King Michael may have only started for us a few times this season but never forget that the master is at the controls and is saving him for a long and fruitful partnership with King Wayne. Together they will hit 50 goals this season. Your dog chasing a stick Tevez and greedy diver Ronaldo won't be able to touch them.'
6. As your owners begin a desperate scrabble about with two major world banks to borrow from them to reduce interest on existing astounding debt, how do you feel about the future and united's inability to compete in the transfer market?
'Like our Nobby said last year. Respect to Fergie for REFUSING to pay for all the rubbish out there, like what you have signed as it would be an insult to us, the loyalist fans in the world. Besides which, our team is still gelling together. Anyway, I was sat with a bloke from China last week who told me that top Chinese businessmen are about to buy us and clear all our debts. Probably this summer. Be afraid, Berties.'
7. And so to the semi-final. Your prediction?
'This one is for one Nobby Allcock R.I.P. I will be getting that chant and a minutes applause going with Boyley on Wednesday at your council house. The greatest once living red outside of Boyley predicted we would beat you last September and I will now pick up his rattle and be wearing his cup double bobble hat in his honour and predict A BACKLASH. The strength from within will overcome your frozen rabbits and Fergie's last trophy will be guaranteed. ANYONE WHO KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT FOOTBALL knows that your season is about to crash in flames big style like the Titanic and a ukrainian submarine.
liddle ciddy 0 UNITED 5
Very many thanks and respect going out to Eric and the United We Issue team at the Bolton Salford and Trafford Mental Health NHS Trust.
VMC Link: When VMC met the late Nobby Allcock
VMC Seven Deadly Sinners so far this season:
Blackburn Rovers: Mikey D
Wolverhampton Wanderers: Akela
Arsenal: Paul Mustchin
Manchester united: Nobby Allcock
West Ham: Rossy
Aston Villa: The Fear
Wigan Athetic: Worbo
Fulham: Andrew Joyce
Scunthorpe: Luke Thornhill
Liverpool: Chubby Alonso
Hull City: Matt Wilson
Bolton Wanderers: Richard McC
Tottenham Hotspur: OxfordSpur
Sunderland: Gaz Johnson
Stoke: Chris Baldwin
Middlesbrough: Steve Goldby
Man united: Eric Whiteside
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Date:Monday January 4 2010
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