Exclusive - City to Solve the Homesick Blues

Against the background of revelations in the Snail Mail today that Atletico Madrid want to take the 'homesick' David Silva back to Spain at the end of the season, and that Carlos Tevez is once again looking for an exit route, Manchester City has acted quickly to resolve the situation.

It is no secret that the City Council don't want to sell Eastlands to the football club because of the weekly rent it generates and City have also not hidden the fact that are homesick for Maine Road, so leaders have entered into talks with the FA, UEFA, FIFA, the Voluntary Euthenasia Society and Channel 4, as well as Boca Juniors, Las Palmas (Gran Canaria), Bosnia FA,Serbia FA, Inter Milan, Hamburg SV, the Amsterdam Arena, FC Bruxelles, Middlesbrough FC, CF Barcelona, Arsenal and even Shrewsbury Town to discuss the possibilities of City playing their home matches in those towns, cities or countries next season.

In a statement to VMC it was stated that 'the Club had introduced untold riches into the game,the pockets of the clubs, countries and players respectively and deserve more than newspapers manufacturing homesick stories at the whims of agents looking to move on players from the club to clubs that can't afford them. In the interests of advancing the club's community work and developing a global brand more rapidly, we are looking at the prospect of taking our football to the doorsteps of the players we have recruited in order that they do not become homesick. We believe that this is part of our promise to 'go the extra mile' in the provision of our product'.

Sepp Blatter looked bewildered and did not comment. Michel Platini who looked as if he'd had a couple said 'This is great news! If City is no longer domiciled in the UK and finish in the top four we can reduce the number of English contenders for the Champions League and try for an additional team from Russia or a guest team from Qatar'. Gary Lineker simply stuck his nose in a bag of crisps and shook his head.

This has sparked off much transfer speculation with Robinho asking if he can come back, especially if there is to be match in Rio, Elano also wants to rejoin because he feels like a bit of a turkey where he's playing his football now and Messi, Kaka, Ibrahimovic, Ronaldo and Rooney have put their agents on alret.

Maybe the programme writer from Aris Thessaloniki wasn't mad after all...just had amazing foresight!!

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