An Expired Pizza to Enter Jordan

There is nothing more annoying than a parent who talks endlessly about how 'clever` or 'sporty` their child is, before whipping out a picture of some spotty two foot hooligan tucking in to the contents of his nostril.

My Goliath though, is genuinely bright for his age. The wee lad can speak about 10 words now; that`s three more than Paul Merson.

The little fellow will definitely be a footballer when he grows up. The last time we had a kick around in the garden he nutmegged me twice; nobody`s regretted opening their legs on two separate occasions since Mrs Neville. You won`t regret a bet on Manchester United at 3/10 to waltz past Watford in a one-sided FA Cup semi.

If the media are to be believed, and you`ll never find a more honest bunch of lads, Jose Mourinho is considering managing England when his tenure expires at Stamford Bridge.

This would be the greatest result for the average Englishman since Gareth Gates wore down Jordan with a pizza and some of the longest chat-up lines in history.

Chelsea have already beaten Blackburn on three occasions this season, a fourth win at 4/7 will set up the most eagerly awaited showdown since Peter Andre narrowly defeated Gareth Gates in a bare-knuckled 15 round extravaganza.

A few people are beginning to question Arsene Wenger, but Aristotle was once mocked when he suggested the Earth was round. Rumours of Arsenal`s demise have been leaked prematurely, they can return to winning ways against Bolton at a huge 8/11.

Liverpool are finishing the season with aplomb; Bellamy I think his name is. The Pool have won their last three against Manchester City by a single goal; another Liverpool victory is advised at 10/11.

Charlton`s recovery in recent weeks has been nothing short of sensational. The Addicks are on a real high, they can snatch an invaluable point from Goodison Park at 5/2.

Aston Villa return to the Riverside for the first time since a 4-0 cakewalk led to a visionary Middlesbrough fan hurling his season ticket at Steve McClaren. A punt on the Villa at 12/5 will lead to a healthy prophet.

It`s the Blades versus the Hammers at Bramall Lane; that`s more tools than you`d find in a Peter Andre fan club. It`s a must-win game for both teams; I`m siding with the rejuvenated West Ham at 2/1.

When I suggested that Wigan were a good bet for relegation in my pre-season write-up, I received more stick than a Manchester United fan in Rome. Another Tottenham win at 7/5 will place the cat well and truly amongst the pigeons.

I`m not too sure about Fulham`s decision to sack Chris Coleman a mere three days before a massive match away to Reading. I guess Mohammed Al Fayed wants to guarantee at least one decent result against the Royals. The arrival of Lawrie 'Dirty` Sanchez can inspire the Cottagers to a hard-fought point at 12/5.

David James is the Pauline Fowler of the football world; you wouldn`t want to get involved in a conversation with him, but he`s the man to see if you need a clean sheet. The fashion icon needs one more shutout to break the all-time Premiership record; a home fixture against Newcastle can land a Portsmouth win at 11/10 and a new record for Calamity at 6/4.

Arsenal, Portsmouth, Man Utd, Tottenham and Chelsea form a 16/1 weekend accer that is so candid, Peter Andre has decided to share his life story via the medium of a new single. 'What was I thinking` is released in all good record shops on Monday morning.

Weekend Betting:

Arsenal v Bolton
Saturday 14th April 15:00

Arsenal 8/11
Draw 13/5
Bolton 9/2

Get on: Arsenal

Match Special:
Arsenal to score three or more goals 9/4

Man City v Liverpool
Saturday 14th April 15:00

Man City 7/2
Draw 5/2
Liverpool 10/11

Get on: Liverpool

Match Special:
Gerrard to score at any time 11/4

Middlesbrough v Aston Villa
Saturday 14th April 15:00

Middlesbrough 11/10
Draw 23/10
Aston Villa 12/5

Get on: Aston Villa

Match Special:
Agbonlahor to score two or more goals 9/1

Portsmouth v Newcastle
Saturday 14th April 15:00

Portsmouth 11/10
Draw 23/10
Newcastle 13/5

Get on: Portsmouth

Match Special:
Portsmouth to win and keep a clean sheet 12/5

Reading v Fulham
Saturday 14th April 15:00

Reading 10/11
Draw 12/5
Fulham 10/3

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
Lita to score in a 1-1 draw 12/1

Sheff Utd v West Ham
Saturday 14th April 15:00

Sheff Utd 6/4
Draw 23/10
West Ham 2/1

Get on: West Ham

Match Special:
Tevez to score the only goal of the game 40/1

Watford v Man Utd
FA Cup semi final
Saturday 14th April 17:30
Live on BBC One

Watford 12/1
Draw 9/2
Man Utd 3/10

Get on: Man Utd

Match Special:
Rooney and Ronaldo both to score 9/2

Wigan v Tottenham
Sunday 15th April 13:30
Live on Sky

Wigan 2/1
Draw 23/10
Tottenham 7/5

Get on: Tottenham

Match Special:
Tottenham to keep a clean sheet 13/8

Everton v Charlton
Sunday 15th April 15:00

Everton 3/4
Draw 5/2
Charlton 4/1

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
No goalscorer in the match 10/1

Blackburn v Chelsea
FA Cup semi final
Sunday 15th April 16:00
Live on Sky

Blackburn 6/1
Draw 14/5
Chelsea 4/7

Get on: Chelsea

Match Special:
Ballack to score with a header 6/1

By Gerry McDonnell

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