One day a Barnsley bloke decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and had the time of his life, until that is,the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, other than bananas and coconuts.


After four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She says, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when the cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes.. "You were really lucky to have a rowing boat washed up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" she says. "I made it out of drift wood and other materials I found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that wasn’t a problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, there’s a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to the correct temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron, I used that to make tools and used the tools to make all this hardware."

The Barnsley lad’s stunned.

"Why don’t we row over to my place," she says. After a short time rowing, shedocks the boat at a small wharf.

The Barnsley lad looks to the shore and nearly falls out of the boat. Before him, he sees a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a treehouse.

As the woman ties up the rowing boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the bloke from Barnsley can only stare, dumb struck. They walk into the house and she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed.. "I can't take another drop of that coconut juice"

"It's not coconut juice" winks the woman, "I have a still, how would you like a nice whisky?"



He tries to hide his continued amazement and they sit down on her settee to talk..
After they’ve exchanged their individual survival stories the woman says, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
Now he’s no longer questioning anything, so the Barnsley lad goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise shell.

"This woman’s amazing," he muses. "What's next?" He goes back downstairs and she greets him wearing nothing but small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically placed, she smells faintly of gardenias. Then she beckons him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she says suggestively, slithering ever closer to him, "We've both been here for many months. You must have been lonely. I’m certain there's something you feel like right now, something you've been longing for, yes?" She stares directly into his eyes.

He simply can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean ..." he swallows excitedly as tears form in his eyes,


"You've made a chip pan?"

Roses are red
Apples are fruity
Don't eat lasagne
It might be black beauty

I was sitting at the computer the other day & called out to my wife,
"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU LOVE!"

SHE SHOUTed BACK "YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD !! "
--

How to keep a woman happy



It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
It doesn't take much !!
A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love to go shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be relatively rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other women

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes or who she is with
BUT IT IS ALSO VERY IMPORTANT TO:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
* her parents

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HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY



1. Leave him alone
2. Turn up naked

I've heard that one before but similar. The punchline was :

How to make a man happy : Turn up naked.

That a much better punch line I will change it