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Random quote: One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said?? - US PGA Commentator
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Joke of the Day
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Posted 15/2/2013 19:22
#478170 - in reply to #279255
Subject: Re: Joke of the Day





5000500050005000200020005001001001002525
Location: Just off the M6
Roses are red
Apples are fruity
Don't eat lasagne
It might be black beauty
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Posted 23/2/2013 07:42
#478734 - in reply to #279255
Subject: Re: Joke of the Day





5000500050005000200020005001001001002525
Location: Just off the M6
I was sitting at the computer the other day & called out to my wife,
"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU LOVE!"

SHE SHOUTed BACK "YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD !! "
--
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Posted 9/3/2013 15:26
#480226 - in reply to #279255
Subject: Re: Joke of the Day





5000500050005000200020005001001001002525
Location: Just off the M6
How to keep a woman happy



It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
It doesn't take much !!
A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love to go shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be relatively rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other women

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes or who she is with
BUT IT IS ALSO VERY IMPORTANT TO:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
* her parents

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY



1. Leave him alone
2. Turn up naked









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Posted 9/3/2013 15:37
#480229 - in reply to #279255
Subject: Re: Joke of the Day



Ace City Poster

Posts: 5288
5000100100252525
I've heard that one before but similar. The punchline was :

How to make a man happy : Turn up naked.
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Posted 10/3/2013 16:52
#480341 - in reply to #480229
Subject: Re: Joke of the Day





5000500050005000200020005001001001002525
Location: Just off the M6
That a much better punch line I will change it
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Posted 13/7/2013 11:07
#490481 - in reply to #279255
Subject: Re: Joke of the Day



Ace City Poster

Posts: 5288
5000100100252525
Why did Marx and Engels only ever drink herbal tea ?






















Because proper tea is theft......................
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Posted 18/7/2013 01:13
#490884 - in reply to #279255
Subject: Re: Joke of the Day



Moderator

Posts: 23977
500050005000500020001000500100100100100252525
Location: Surrounded by Savages
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
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Posted 1/9/2013 08:31
#495159 - in reply to #279255
Subject: Re: Joke of the Day





5000500050005000200020005001001001002525
Location: Just off the M6
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Posted 13/9/2013 07:20
#496188 - in reply to #279255
Subject: Re: Joke of the Day


5000500020002000100100100100252525
Location: Western Australia
With apologies to Bluey, BB and Rojo.

Murphy is going to do some roofing work for Paddy. On the first day he gets on the ladder and when he nears the top he feels a bit faint. He shouts down to Paddys and says " I tink I might ave to go home, I've come over all giddy like "Paddys says, " that's alright, ave ye got vertigo? " Murphy says, " no, not far at all, just around the corner "
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Posted 17/9/2013 18:20
#496878 - in reply to #496188
Subject: Re: Joke of the Day





5000500050005000200020005001001001002525
Location: Just off the M6

A Harley bike rider walked into a chemist shop and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store,
there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss,
he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection.
It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister." When she returned, she said,
"We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is:

1/3 ownership in the shop ....
A company car...
Five home cooked dinners a week ..
And £ 300 a month in living expenses."
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Posted 17/10/2013 21:28
#499676 - in reply to #279255
Subject: Re: Joke of the Day



Moderator

Posts: 23977
500050005000500020001000500100100100100252525
Location: Surrounded by Savages
Scientists have crossed an albino chicken with an onion, and finally created a white cock that brings tears to a womans eyes.
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Posted 21/10/2013 22:38
#500012 - in reply to #279255
Subject: Re: Joke of the Day



Moderator

5000500010010010025
Location: Somewhere in Paradise
I think I went to this website recently ...............


Attempting to set a new password:


Website:........... Sorry that password has expired - you must register a new one.

User:............... Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?

Website: ..............No, but your password has expired - you must get a new one.

User:.............. Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good ?

Website:........... Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.

User:.................. Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

Website:................ No, you must get a new one.

User:............. I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

Website:.............. Sorry, you must get a new one.

User:................ OK, roses

Website:................. Sorry you must use more letters.

User:............. OK, pretty roses

Website:............... No good, you must use at least one number.

User:.................. OK, 1 pretty rose

Website:................... Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.

User:............... OK, 1prettyrose

Website:................. Sorry, you must use additional letters.

User:................... OK, 1**ckingprettyrose

Website:.................... Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.

User:................... OK, 1**ckINGprettyrose

Website:................. Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

User:.................... OK, 1**ckingprettyrose

Website:.............. Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.

User:................ OK : 1**ckINGprettyroseshovedupyourarseifyoudon'tgivemeaccessright**ckingnow

Website:................. Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used .
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Posted 29/10/2013 07:03
#500814 - in reply to #279255
Subject: Re: Joke of the Day



Moderator

Posts: 23977
500050005000500020001000500100100100100252525
Location: Surrounded by Savages
Do you fart in bed ?

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”
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Posted 2/5/2014 13:12
#523547 - in reply to #279255
Subject: Re: Joke of the Day





5000500050005000200020005001001001002525
Location: Just off the M6
Gerrards new boots



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