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Random quote: If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.
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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Don't know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they'll show up quickly.
I changed my password everywhere to 'incorrect.' That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, 'Your password is incorrect.'
Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.
When life closes a door, just open it again. It's a door, that's how they work.
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Some things are better left unsaid, which I certainly realize, right after I say them.
Pool rules: You're not allowed to do anything that begins with the words 'Hey everyone watch this!'
I'm just going to flip this omelette... Okay, we're having scrambled eggs.
I wish I was a kid again so everyone would be proud of me for taking a long nap.
I have been putting a lot of thought into it, and I just don't think being an adult is going to work for me.
You know the potholes on a road are bad when they assign lifeguards to them, in case anybody falls inside.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes, but we all know I'm hilarious.
Whenever I'm sad, you're there. Whenever I have problems, you're there. Whenever I lose control, you're there. Let's face it, you are bad luck.
'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.
I just finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.
I childproofed my house but the kids still get in somehow.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Been there done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
Not to brag but I don't even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
A good mood like is like a balloon, one prick is all it takes to ruin it.
I don't need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry!
If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.
I like to live life dangerously by occasionally sticking my foot out over the edge of the bed at night.
You're riding a horse full speed, and there's a giraffe on your left and a lion chasing you from behind, so what do you do? Get off the carousel!
Dear life, when I said "can this day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
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